The 'High Performance' concept, popularised by podcasts in the vein of James Humphry, has become a meme about the privileged elite obsessed with the idea of excellence in everything. Operating at the top level in football requires a massive ego, but which Premier League managers genuinely live by the tenets of this productivity cult, and who prefers to remain grounded?
We present a humorous ranking of all 20 league bosses from the least fitting this mould to the absolute leaders of 'High Performance.'
From the antipodes of the concept to moderate pragmatists (20–11)
20. Daniel Farke: When Pep Guardiola commented that his team celebrates victories with cocktails, Farke retorted that his players enjoy a 'proper pint'. That says it all.
19. Sergey Yakirovich: Having survived bombings and wars as a youth in Bosnia, he possesses a far deeper understanding of life than sleep metrics from a Whoop app, although he does enjoy the British sitcom 'Fools Rush In.'
18. David Moyes: In his sixties, the Scot is far too sensible to lose sleep over daily protein intake.
17. Oliver Glasner: A man who openly confessed to two-week-long boozy odysseys in Greece 'from dawn until dusk' clearly doesn’t fit into the sterile achievement culture.
16. Michael Carrick: He would aspire to fit the bill, but first, he had to check with Ferguson to ensure it didn’t sound daft.
15. Frank Lampard: A laid-back manager who prefers listening to crime podcasts over memorising trends.
14. Xabi Alonso: Too cool for ostentatious morning stories of match lattes, he leans towards art, cinema, and literature instead.
13. Alvaro Arbeloa: A less stoic version of Alonso, his appointment came largely due to his status, which doesn’t quite align with the cult of personal achievements.
12. Regis Le Bris: Way too modest to constantly brag about his successes, he prefers to spend his free time with his dog.
11. Pierre Sage: Possessing a fantastic work ethic, he is tragically lacking in showy ego.
From hidden fanatics to absolute cult leaders (10–1)
10. Andoni Iraola: Calm and unassuming, he doesn’t flaunt achievements but is too absorbed in cycling to detach completely from his work.
9. Marco Rose: A product of the Red Bull system with an obligatory passion for golf that helps him switch off from work.
8. Unai Emery: Undoubtedly in the office by 5 am, obsessing over tactics, yet perhaps too eccentric in his details.
7. Roberto De Zerbi: So obsessed with football, he still sports 2003 hairstyles while chasing mythical 'perfection.'
6. Keith Andrews: He plays techno music at training and can’t walk his dog without thinking about his starting line-up.
5. Mikel Arteta: His methods can sometimes seem overly fanatical even for the creators of similar podcasts, embodying a philosophy of winning at all costs.
4. Gary O'Neil: He loves publicly dissecting his tactical triumphs and eagerly shares his secrets to success.
3. Enzo Maresca: Openly admits he never stops thinking about his career, skillfully weaving in tales of hard work from his fisherman father during interviews.
2. Matthias Jaissle: The perfect fit for the stereotype: padel, skiing, immaculate grooming, sculpted physique, and quotes like 'I want to be the best version of myself.'
1. Fabian Hurcteler: A man who became an EPL manager at just 31. His quotes like 'You can't win anything with kindness' leave no doubt about his absolute leadership in this ranking.
