Andrei Dyumin believes the only fair punishment for Manchester City is the literal redistribution of all their first-team players. The notion that the Citizens were fighting a righteous battle against the red cartel sounds absurd given their odious misconduct. Since these players were acquired through foul means, they must be redistributed accordingly. Here’s how that list shapes up.
Gianluigi Donnarumma is heading to Chelsea. The two-time Yashin Trophy winner is expected to bolster the Blues' defensive stats. Meanwhile, Geronimo Rulli makes his move to Southampton, a club with a long-standing affection for signing goalkeepers from Manchester City — from their loan of Eric Nixon back in '86 to Angus Gunn, Willy Caballero (who had a brief stint at Chelsea), and Gavin Bazunu. Marcus Bettinelli is heading to Chesterfield, returning to the last team he played against at a professional level for Chelsea under Thomas Tuchel in January 2022, ensuring the club has some record on him.
Ryan Aït-Nouri is off to Nottingham Forest, which could see him lining up behind Callum Hudson-Odoi on the left flank, evoking memories of Jadon Sancho. Caden Bratwhaite is joining Everton — purely for the prospect that the names of the club's centre-backs will never be spelled correctly on the first attempt. Ruben Dias is bound for River Plate, potentially following the same path he took when he arrived, moving as part of a bigger deal that will see Nicolas Otamendi return to the Etihad for minutes in the National League at the age of 38. Marc Guéhi is heading to Liverpool, of course, after Newcastle laid the groundwork before snatching the deal, while Guéhi finally releases the statement he's held onto for months.
Josko Gvardiol heads to Leeds, having been spotted by them first. Abdulkadir Husayn is moving to Arsenal — a central defender from Manchester City who's capable of playing on the right side, and whose last match ended in a penalty shootout defeat against Paris Saint-Germain. Where does he sign? Rico Lewis journeys to Bournemouth, an intriguing fit for the Cherries, at least during Eddie Howe's era. Science doesn’t lie. Matheus Nunes finds his way to Liverpool. With a need for a right-back, who better than a player Pep Guardiola believes could become one of the best in the world? Vitor Reis is off to New York City, with Girona, Troyes, or Melbourne City also on the table.
Elliot Anderson moves to Manchester United as a fitting punishment for that unforgivable comment about the kings of Manchester. Ayoub Bouaddi is either heading to Brighton or Brentford, undeniably a classy player and a university student studying math, which could intrigue Tony Bloom and Matthew Benham. Ryan Cherki is set to join Crystal Palace, where the Eagles made a play for him a couple of years ago, though it didn’t pan out as he was reluctant to move to England back then. Now, with Palace firmly in the race for European spots, it seems feasible.
Enzo Fernandez journeys to Coventry to learn from the master himself, Frank Lampard. Phil Foden is heading to Chelsea, as the Blues' squad appeared short of wonderkids with attacking credentials who could fill a forward position, even if they aren’t strikers. Mateo Kovacic is off to Milan, where Luka Modric currently plays. Nico O’Reilly is bound for Nottingham Forest, where Mr. Marinakis enjoys teasing victims of the red cartel with the pure profit from selling off his cheap academy throw-ins. Floyd Sambele heads to Blackburn; it's unclear who these iconic guys from Barclays think they are, introducing their star sons into elite academies, but Christopher’s son has already made an impression at the Etihad, even if he should follow in his father's footsteps (though possibly not all the way to Makhachkala).
Allan joins Fulham, raring to unleash an attack consisting of Allan, Kevin, and Bobba. Jeremy Doku is off to Aston Villa — training battles against Aaron Wan-Bissaka will be biblical. And Erling Haaland is set for Everton — David Moyes has surely prepared tapes featuring Marco Arnautovic, Michail Antonio, and Victor Anichebe. Ryan McAdoo is on his way to Hull. This season, the Premier League has seen seven players with 'Mc' in their surname, with only Hull having the courage to field more than one of them. Iliman Ndiaye is joining Tottenham; this lad is not easily shaken off. Antoine Semenyo is heading there as well, with the same fate awaiting the sole player Tottenham had made a bid for last January, completely ignoring their relegation struggles.
